


three times connor murphy let other people into his heart.

by idkspookystuff



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Canonical Child Abuse, Coming Out, Depression, Evan's Stutter - Freeform, F/F, Happy Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Polyamory Negotiations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-10 04:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15283260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkspookystuff/pseuds/idkspookystuff
Summary: Connor's not good at letting people in. It's a combination of a shitty childhood and parents who had a bad relationship. He'd rather be an asshole and alone then get hurt letting other people in.Here are three times he goes against his own philosophy and it works in his favor.





	three times connor murphy let other people into his heart.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lokithegodofsass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokithegodofsass/gifts).



> I actually can't believe I wrote this because I'm so behind on my novel for Camp NaNoWriMo buttt...
> 
> Happy two year anniversary to my girlfriend, Josie! You're my favorite person in the entire universe and I love you so much. I can't believe we've been together for two years. Screw you for breaking my heart by getting me into Dear Evan Hansen. Screw you.
> 
> Backstory: Josie and I talk about Dear Evan Hansen headcanons A LOT and so this is a result of how we imagined Connor, Evan and Jared getting together. Hope you like it and I did your Connor justice.
> 
> If you aren't my girlfriend, I hope you enjoy too! Feel free to follow me [on Tumblr](http://gorgeousdan.tumblr.com) for more updates or if you like YouTube!
> 
> Enjoy 
> 
> \- Seb

Connor’s never had a good relationship with any member of his family.

A little of factors go into it. He’s gay, for one, which contradicts his Catholic dad’s idea of what a son should be. He was also diagnosed with major depression at a young age, something his father refuses to accept and his mother tries actively to fix. He hates it. He hates the pitying glances his mom gives him and he hates how his father refuses to acknowledge his son’s sexuality and he hates how Zoe never says anything to stick up for him.

It’s two am on a random Monday when she comes into his room in tears.

“Promise me,” Zoe says when she closes the door, before he can say anything. He puts his book down (Jane Eyre, he has to read it for honors English) as she says, “promise me you won’t tell mom and dad.”

“What happened?” Connor asks, a smirk on his face. “You get knocked up? Mom and dad’s perfect daughter not so pe-”

“I’m gay,” Zoe says. It shuts Connor up, and for a long second a silence booms through the room.

“Oh,” Connor says. “Well, in that case.” He puts down his book and moves over. “Welcome to the queer side, sis.”

They stay up until the early hours of the morning talking about everything: how long Zoe’s known, if she’s going to tell mom and dad, girls she has crushes on. When their mom comes to wake Connor up in the morning, she finds Zoe laying across Connor’s chest while he braids her hair.

After that, they’re not exactly close, but they’re a step closer than before. Connor lets her sit next to him when he’s watching a movie. They sometimes listen to music together in Connor’s room. When Larry makes a particularly nasty comment about Connor’s sexuality over breakfast, Zoe says, “Jesus, dad. Can’t you ever just leave him alone? It’s not Connor’s fault he’s gay.”

Connor also becomes weirdly protective of his little sister. So when he walks past her one day after school and she’s sitting on the couch with a blonde boy giving her heart eyes, he has questions.

“Who the fuck is that?” Connor asks when he pulls Zoe into the question.

Zoe has her arms crossed over her chest and she looks weirdly defensive of the twinky blonde in their living room. “Evan,” she says simply, as if that’s somehow an answer. When Connor raises an eyebrow, Zoe says, “he’s a friend, Connor.”

“A friend?” Connor asks. Zoe nods. “Then why’s he giving you the biggest heart eyes I’ve ever fucking seen?”

Zoe rolls his eyes. “Jesus, relax, Con. He’s fine. He’s not going to hurt me, swear to god.”

As it turns out, Connor doesn’t have to wait long to find out who Evan is.

He’s in the kitchen getting himself a snack from the refrigerator. He didn’t eat dinner because his dad’s a dick and so he’s starving. He waited until his dad was asleep and now, finally, at two forty-three am, he’s in the kitchen fixing himself a sandwich.

He leaves the lights off so as not to wake up his dad. No one else is awake anyway; his mom goes to sleep at around ten and Zoe is having a sleepover with the blonde twink Connor found on their couch a week ago. 

Long story short, he’s a little fucking freaked out when someone bangs into him on his way back to the refrigerator and they both go tumbling to the ground.

Connor recovers first and he goes scrambling for the light switch. He finds it in the dark and flips it on, and when his eyes adjust, he sees Evan laying on the floor, face beat red. “Oh my god,” Evan says quickly. “I am so sorry. I swear I didn’t mean to hit you. I-I was just on my way to the, uh, to the bathroom and Zoe said there was one down here and I got lost because I haven’t been here a lot and wow your house is big and-”

Connor holds a hand up. “Shut up,” he says. 

Evan’s mouth slams shut almost comically, one last “sorry,” squeaking through. Connor offers Evan a hand and Evan takes it, looking down at the floor as he stands up. Once he’s up, Connor shoves back his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. Evan still looks at the floor. They’re easily the two most awkward people in the world and it’s two forty-seven and his sandwich is completely ruined.

Evan notices Connor’s sandwich on the floor and puts a hand to his mouth. “Oh my god, I am so sorry. Here, let me make you a new one. My mom taught me how to cook. Well, I mean, not advanced things but like she isn’t home a lot so-” Connor laughs and Evan looks up at him, face redder than before, somehow. “What?”

“Do you ever shut up?” Connor asks.

Evan rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uh, not really. I need to work on that.”

Connor sits on the counter and motions to the bread. When Evan just gives him a confused look, Connor says, “you were about to make me a sandwich?”

Evan ends up making two sandwiches and they stay up all night talking. Connor finds out how old Evan is (seventeen, he just looks young) what grade he’s in (12th, same as Connor), what he’s into (plants and trees, for some reason), what he wants to do with his life (be a park ranger in New York City) and why he talks so much (generalized anxiety disorder). In return, Evan asks how old Connor is (seventeen), what he’s into (music, art and frowning. The last made Evan laugh), and why he’s always in such a shit mood (a combination of major depression and shitty parents). 

After that, the two of them have a weird friendship. They don’t hang out, but every time Evan’s with Zoe at their house (which ends up being more and more), Connor gives him a little “hey Ev.” When Evan walks into the Murphy house and Connor’s sitting on the couch watching tv, he manages a “hi, Connor.” He can almost get through it without stuttering when Connor gives Evan his number.

They text each other a lot. Texting is a lot easier than talking, somehow, and they text about everything. When Connor finds a new song he thinks Evan will like, he sends him a link. When Evan’s at the park, he sends Connor photos of trees. The two of them put on the same movie on Netflix and text each other commentary throughout it. 

The first time they call each other is on a Saturday during spring break.

Larry throws a beer at Connor’s head because he’s drunk and Connor’s gay. It’s not the first time he’s thrown something, but for some reason the glass shattering and his mother’s gasp are too much for Connor this time. He runs about a block down the street, heart thumping, and then calls Evan.

Evan picks up on the second ring. “H-hello?” he asks.

Connor can barely hear anything over the ringing in his ears. “My dad is such a fucking asshole!” he yells.

Evan’s there in ten minutes in his beat down truck. Connor gets in and they drive for a while until they come to an orchard. Evan gets out of the car and lays on the hood of his truck. He offers a hand to Connor, who reluctantly gets on the hood of the truck as well. 

“I-” Evan starts. “I like coming here ‘cause, uh. It’s the only place in New Jersey where you can see stars?”

Connor looks up at the stars and nods. The two of them sit in silence for a little bit until Connor can calm down, and it’s the most comfortable silence in his life. He realizes with a start that he wouldn’t mind spending many silences with Evan, sitting under the stars on his beat down truck.

Connor turns to Evan. “Hey, Ev?” he asks. When Evan turns to him, he says, “thanks for dealing with my bullshit. You’re, uh,” he chuckles softly “you’re a good friend.”

Evan smiles at that, and they’re close enough that Connor can trace the lines of his face. He doesn’t dare to reach out, afraid to break the moment between them.

“We deal with each other’s shit,” Evan says, and then Connor impulsively pulls him into a kiss. 

Evan doesn’t respond, and for a minute Connor knows he’s fucked everything up again. He’s gonna be all alone and he’s gonna lose the only friend he’s ever had because he’s impulsive and a little shit and a disappointment and everything his dad said earlier when he threw the bottle at him. The back of his head pounds in sympathy.

Connor pulls away to apologize, but he can’t get any words out before Evan pulls him in for another kiss.

After that, neither of them say anything for a while.

iii.

Flash forward a few years and Connor and Evan have an apartment in the West End.

Connor is happier than he could have ever imagined. He’s a broke graphic artist in New York City and their apartment is so small that he and Evan can’t both be in the kitchen at the same time, but they fall asleep every night in each other’s arms and Evan sometimes puts on Beyonce while he’s cooking and uses the spatula as a microphone and Connor didn’t even  _ know _ he could love someone as much as he loves Evan Hansen.

Living in such close proximity to Evan also means he knows when Evan is keeping something from him. Evan is a notoriously bad liar and he has these ticks. When he’s afraid to tell Connor something, he doesn’t look him in the eyes as much, his stutter gets worse, he cooks more of Connor’s food and he listens to sad Beyonce songs.

When Connor gets home from work, Evan’s in their kitchen cooking mac and cheese and listening to _ Best Thing I Never Had _ . He’s still in his park ranger clothes and he jumps when Connor closes the door. Connor knows they have to talk. 

“We need to talk,” Connor says when they’re laying in bed later.

Evan tenses, but he pretends not to be bothered as he flips through Central Park’s fall events catalogue. “S-sure,” he says. “W-what’s-what’s up?”

“You’re being weird and anxious, Ev,” Connor says, which just makes Evan tense up more. Connor squeezes his hip. “Talk to me?” 

Evan stops flipping through the catalogue. He doesn’t look up at Connor as he says, in a quiet voice, “J-Jared’s, uh, he’s studying film at Columbia.”

Jared as in Jared Kleinman, Evan’s best friend since birth. Despite having a shared interest (Evan), he and Connor don’t get along  _ at all. _ Jared thinks Connor is horribly depressing and Connor thinks Jared is the biggest asshole he’s ever met. Still, he’s hung out with Evan and Jared together and he knows how much the two of them care about each other. Jared’s Evan’s best friend since birth, after all. And he’s kinda tolerable when he’s high.

“Yeah?” Connor asks. He rubs Evan’s back. “You should chill with him.”

“Really?” Evan asks. He whips around so fast Connor’s shocked he doesn’t have whiplash. “I mean, like, uh. Y-you would be okay? With-what that?”

Connor laughs. Evan gets anxious about the weirdest things. “Of course I would be,” he says. “As long as you don’t, like, fuck him or anything,” he teases. 

Evan doesn’t fuck Jared. But when he comes home from hanging out with Jared all day, he has this smile on his face that he can’t get rid of. He seems a little bit lighter, he stutters a little less, and he puts  _ Partition _ on repeat as he dances for Connor. Connor loves anything that makes Evan happy, but it seems just a little bit strange.

This goes on for a week before Connor realizes what’s going on. It all comes to a head on a Friday when he comes home from work early. He picks up a bouquet of flowers, intending to surprise Evan. The two of them haven’t seen each other a lot this week and he’s looking forward to spending the entire weekend wrapped up in his boyfriend.

When he walks in, there’s talking in the living room. Connor walks in and finds Evan and Jared sitting on the couch, pressed together thigh to thigh, playing a video game. Jared makes a joke and Evan laughs - a full body laugh, one he rarely does in front of anyone but Connor - and leans against Jared’s shoulder.

Connor drops the flowers as his heart falls to the pit of his stomach. He’s so stupid. Evan’s in love with Jared.

Evan turns to him and his smile drops. “Connor, oh my god,” he says. He rushes over to where Connor must look shell-shocked and puts a hand to his cheek. “A-are you okay? What’s wrong?” 

“I-” Connor looks between Evan and Jared - still sitting on the couch with a controller in his hands - and finds himself without words. He goes through a million emotions at once. He feels stupid for not realizing Evan was in love with Jared earlier. He feels angry that Evan is in love with someone else. He feels sad that Evan is clearly unhappy in their relationship. 

“Connor?” Evan says, softer this time, and he realizes that both Evan and Jared have been staring at him for an uncomfortable amount of time. 

“S-sorry,” Connor says. He picks up the flowers and hands them to Evan, then turns on his heels. “I-I gotta go,” he says, and he ignores Evan’s calls out to him as he walks out of the apartment and then races down the stairs.

He rushes to a Starbucks just down the street, ignoring the pounding in his ears and the people walking passed him, giving him weird looks as he tries to hold back tears. He’s so stupid. How could he not have known Evan is in love with Jared? He’s so stupid for thinking that he and Evan ever had any kind of future together. 

He gets a drink and sits down. The first person he calls is Zoe, who answers immediately because Connor never calls anyone unless he’s in trouble.

“What’s wrong?” Zoe asks. He tells her about everything: Evan acting shady, him hanging out with Jared, the two of them giggling together while they were playing video games. 

By the time he’s done explaining, Zoe actually fucking laughs. 

“What?” Connor asks, and for some reason she just laughs harder. “What is it?”

“Oh my god, sorry. You’re just such a fucking idiot,” Zoe says. Eventually, she calms down enough to be able to speak. “Okay, first of all: Evan not being in love with you? Hilarious. Funniest thing I’ve heard all day, honestly. That boy loves you more than anything in his entire life, for some fucking reason. You’re actually the most disgusting couple I know.”

“Gee, thanks,” Connor deadpans.

“He’s not  _ not _ in love with you just because he’s hanging out with Jared,” Zoe says. “He’s poly. Did he never tell you this?”

“No?” Connor says. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Zoe says. “I don’t know how to describe it. Google it. Hold on.” She says something to someone - probably Alana, though she’s too far from the speaker for Connor to hear anything - and then she’s back. “I gotta go. But, please, don’t break up with Evan over this. It’s not worth it, Con.”

She hangs up and Connor immediately googles  _ poly _ . Aside from apparently being slang for someone from Polynesia - something he doubts Zoe meant - poly refers to someone who’s open to loving multiple people at once. It’s like that boring documentary Evan made him watch about that dude who had a million wives but less creepy and more consensual. 

When he goes home, it’s dark and Evan’s alone in bed. Connor sighs as he takes off his jacket. He knows that Evan’s awake - he’s a worse fake sleeper than he is a liar - but he doesn’t say anything. Connor gets into bed and pulls Evan close, kisses his shoulder. “I’m not mad at you, Evan.” 

Evan visibly relaxes. “You’re not?” he asks, his voice rough like he’s been crying. Connor feels his heart shatter into a million pieces.

“No,” Connor says. He turns Evan so that they can face each other. “But I do think we need to talk.”

They stay up all night talking about Evan being poly and Jared and Evan’s feelings for him. At the end of their conversation, neither of them have gotten any sleep and they require about four cups of coffee each to feel alive enough to go to work, but Evan gives him an easy smile from over the coffee pot and Connor feels lighter.

Jared and Connor start hanging out a lot more when Evan starts dating Jared. At first, Connor wants to make sure Jared’s taking care of Evan. He thinks that seeing the two of them together will make him jealous, but weirdly, he’s fine with it. In fact, he likes it, likes the way Jared always bumps Evan’s hip when he walks passed him, likes the way the two of them press close together to watch movies, love that they both have the same dumb dance moves, finds himself smiling when Evan’s mouthing along to Beyonce on Jared’s snap story. 

They’re at a carnival, slightly buzzed, when Connor realizes he might have a crush on Jared. It’s something about the bright lights, the laughter, the warm summer air, the way that Jared has an arm slung over Evan’s shoulders as they walk that just makes him want. 

Jared catches him staring and looks over at him, his skin turning red. Jared’s usually cocky until it comes to someone actually finding him attractive, which is where his insecurity shines through. Something in his smile makes Connor pin him to a maze and kiss him. 

They’re broken apart by the ride operator, no more than 19, who says “guys, you can’t do that here.” Evan’s mortified, Connor can tell, but Jared smiles and says, “I was wondering when you would get the balls to do that, Murphy” and somehow everything’s alright.

Connor wakes up a week later pressed up against the wall. The bed isn’t big enough for the three of them and Jared’s half hanging off, Evan’s knee digging into Connor’s bladder as he’s pressed uncomfortably against the wall. He has to piss and it’s way too early for his liking. But he’s got his boys.

He wouldn’t have it any other way.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments make the world go 'round


End file.
